Choosing Yourself Over the Cigarette: Healing the Wound of Abandonment

I haven’t seen her like this in so long. Was she ever like this?

Was she ever this anxious, this scared? Shoulders tense, the first thought in the morning a cigarette—to numb herself. To numb her truth, her desires.

She gives herself garbage instead of listening to her needs, instead of honoring her wants. Instead of going after what her heart truly longs for—even if it makes no sense to the limited mind.

Why?

Overwhelmed by anxiety and fear, a figure grips their head in a moment of deep distress.

Is she afraid of losing connection with the exterior, with those around her? Afraid that people will leave the moment she decides to elevate her existence?

Don’t you see it, dear one? They were never meant to come with you. They were never meant to join you in your becoming. They were meant to go, so you could rise higher.

And yet, instead of taking action toward her next phase, she reaches for another cigarette. And another. Numbing the ache, silencing her heart.

But this time, it’s screaming. This time, it’s too late to silence the truth. This time, she can no longer run from what’s inside her.

She finally sees it. They were meant to leave anyway. They were never meant to witness the next version of her.

She realises that while chasing connection with others, she was losing connection with herself. While trying to fit into their world, she had neglected to build her own.

The pain is too much to keep repeating the cycle—cigarette after cigarette, fear after fear.

She exhales.

And then, she puts the last one down.

For the first time, she allows her heart to speak. And this time, she listens.

“Before asking for a door outside of yourself to open, try opening and entering the door inside of you. And receive her. Receive her wisdom, receive her truth.”

Reconnect.

Yes, some may be disappointed. Yes, some may leave. But they were never meant to walk beside you.

For how long will you keep waiting, keep lying to yourself?

Don’t you deserve your own life? Regardless of who stays, who goes. Regardless of their words.

And yet—when you connect back to yourself, when you finally listen—you will begin to see.

You will understand why some connections remain and why others were always meant to fall away.

Can we reconnect?